The Random 25

1. I've pretty much known I was gay since I was about 10. Instead of playing Cops and Robbers, my brother and I - and two neighborhood brothers (Steven and Ronnie Varner) - used to play... Charlie's Angels. None of us wanted to be Bosley; we all wanted to be the Angels. I was often Jaclyn Smith. The fourth was the bad guy. We stole clothes from our mothers' closets or things we found (gasp) in the trash that women threw out. We would dress up in these things and run through the streets of our condo complex in Placentia.
2. I recently found out that Steven Varner is also gay and living in Northern California.
3. I also recently went to see a taping of the Bonnie Hunt Show in order to see Jaclyn Smith live.
4. In high school, I thought I did a good job of hiding my sexuality. It seems I did not. Wearing fishnets and corsets to go to the Balboa Theater to perform as Frank N. Furter in the stage show of Rocky Horror seems to have clued some people in. The Madonna bracelets, eyeliner, and blouses with leggings I would sometimes wear to school cemented my sexuality firmly in the minds of my colleagues. I thought I was just being "goth" before goth was Goth. Think Robert Smith from the Cure. We think we're so clever when we're young. We aren't.
5. In high school I actually helped create a club whose sole purpose was to hate a fellow student. We had a newsletter and everything. We published gossip and dish about things we saw and heard about her. I wonder whatever happened to Bari Loschin?
6. In high school I either wanted to become a famous actor or a politician. They were both hard work. I became a teacher.
7. Before becoming a teacher, I owned a small business. It put me through college. I will euphemistically call it "Talent Management" as I managed talent for private entertainment purposes.
8. I started my agency with money I won in Vegas. I had a friend who was a double major in both math and statistics. He had no job and no money. He spent hours and hours playing video blackjack until he developed a betting system that was "unbeatable." We went to Vegas together, I staked him and we both played his system. We turned a few hundred dollars into over 50 grand. I gave him about half, and then put the rest of the money to work for me so I could return to school and get my BA in English, get my credential, and my MA. I have never been able to repeat the success of that trip. It was clearly a gift from the Universe to enable me to teach.
9. I once auditioned to do porn. I got flushed when nervous and my chest and face turned bright red. I was unusable despite my other obvious talents.
10. I used to love roller coasters, but I developed a deadly fear of them overnight. Now I can go on them but I have to close my eyes and leave my body during the entire trip. It's very zen.
11. Despite this new fear of roller coasters (which is really just a fear of death, I believe), I have been skydiving. I jumped out of a perfectly good plane at 15,000 feet for the sheer thrill of it all. I think I was 29, and wanted to do something crazy before I turned 30.
12. Instead of worrying about roller coasters, I should be worrying about caffeine. I drink between 4-8 cups of coffee a day. Every day. And yet I sleep like a baby. I ain't right.
13. Even though I love coffee, I only order Chai Lattes from Starfucks. I don't like their coffee.
14. Most of my life I have lived walking distance from the beach. Something bothers me now that I am so far away from it. Just today I drove to Venice and it takes me an hour to get to water.
15. The only other time I didn't live near the beach was when I lived in England. I lived there for a year between 2000-2001. I lived in Sheffield, a great town, but dead center of the island so about as far as can be from the ocean. Despite this, while I lived there I went to both coasts - to Holyhead in Wales to see the western coast and to Waterloo east of London to see the English Channel. And then when I was in Ireland I went to Galways to see the true ocean on the west coast of Ireland.
16. A year of living in England taught me to like beer. I hated it before, and I hate most of it since. But I will not turn down a cold draft of Guinness. It's like alcohol and chocolate and leather all melting in my mouth.
17. If I had to choose between chocolate and leather, I would sit a very long time pondering. I get great pleasure from both. It seems unfair to have to choose.
18. I haven't been the same since coming back from England. It changed me. I love the people there so much. If I were more of a risk-taker, I would have overstayed my visa and been an illegal. I judge all my friends today against that very strict litmus test of Sheffield. Most people fall short. I still would move if I thought it would be the same, but I realize that nothing is the same ten years later. Nothing.
19. I miss my coven. I miss having a group of people that work and play and live together and know everything about you and make magic happen on a daily basis. I want that again. But I know better than to rush it.
20. Knowing better is just a way I deal with my fears. I say I know better about blah blah, but really what I mean is that I'm scared of blah blah so I walk away pretending I don't want it. I am, in fact, a 9 year old child inside a 41 year old shell.
21. I used to tell myself that I could love anyone - that a shell didn't matter. If her heart was good, I could love a woman, if his heart was good, I could love a man. I was wrong. The shell shapes the heart, and there are things that matter about shells.
22. Despite this, I still find certain women incredibly sexy. Sexy enough to have nasty fantasies about. I still have a crush on some of the women in my life right now. Some I have slept with, others I have not but want to. But oddly, I don't want romance with them. Just dirty, filthy, nasty sex.
23. I am quite probably addicted to amateur porn. Xtube is the best gift ever!
24. I think nachos are the perfect food. Little plates of chips topped with all the food groups - meat, veg, dairy. And guacamole should have its own group. And yes, salsa is a vegetable. I miss the Taquerilla on 4th and Redondo like you don't know.
25. I turn 42 at the end of this year, 2009. Ever since I was a kid, I have had this feeling that I will die when I am 42. I worry about that a lot. Does that mean DURING my 42nd year (which is NOW) or in the year AFTER I finish 42? I worry. I worry that I am right.